


A Compass In My Heart, A Needle In My Arm

by DefaltManifesto



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Dom!Youngbae, Dom/sub, Flogging, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Painplay, Platonic BDSM, Sexual BDSM, Shibari
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 04:24:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17073416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: Jiyong may be the leader, but Youngbae is the rock that tethers them all to the ground.





	A Compass In My Heart, A Needle In My Arm

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this forever ago. Then I really wanted to finish it so I did. I will be completing my 15 lyric day challenge. Life happened so I couldn't. You can find me on twitter @ defaltmanifesto. Thanks to everyone in the kpop fanfic discord server for encouraging me. Comments are loved. Title from Drowning In The Sound by Amanda Palmer.

It starts with Jiyong because of course it does. It feels like everything in Youngbae’s life starts and ends with Jiyong sometimes and it’s not even something he has a problem with anymore. It’s just how it is.

A squeeze at the back of the neck as they leave another too long recording session, something normal and casual he’s done for years, is what tips him off that maybe there’s something more Jiyong needs. Jiyong’s shoulders slip up and for a moment, Youngbae wonders if he’s overstepped this time, if Jiyong is still too angry to want to be touched. Then, Jiyong’s shoulders slump and he lets out a breath, turning to press his forehead into the hallway wall. Youngbae frowns but doesn’t move. His hand stays where it is, resting where the short hairs meet his neck as Jiyong takes another breath and his fingers curl into fists before abruptly stretching again.

Then Jiyong’s gone, moving out of Youngbae’s grip and down the hall without a word. Youngbae follows him and tries to piece together what he’s seen. He slips into the same car as Jiyong without asking because after this long none of them ask any more if they can come over. The answer is always yes. Jiyong doesn’t look at him, fingers curled against his lips as he stares out the window.

When they reach Jiyong’s apartment, door clicked firmly shut behind them, Youngbae moves on instinct. He grabs the back of Jiyong’s neck and manhandles him around, shoving him towards the door with enough force to make him move but not hard enough to hurt as he presses him to it. Jiyong’s hands brace against the wood and for a moment, Youngbae thinks he’ll fight. Or he’ll ask Youngbae what the fuck he thinks he’s doing. Instead, he leans into the door and turns his head to the side so Youngbae can press him harder to the surface.

"Ji, what do you need?” Youngbae asks.

“Just…I’m so tired Youngbae,” Jiyong says, voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t want to think anymore.”

Youngbae swallows and after resigning himself to definitely talk to Jiyong about this more later, hauls him away from the door and guides him to the large sectional in the living room, shoving him face down onto the part that juts out. Before he loses his courage, he straddles Jiyong’s hips and then covers him, one arm wrapping snug under his neck before he lets his weight settle down on Jiyong in a firm pin.

He watches Jiyong’s eyes flutter shut and feels each muscle give way before he’s limp beneath him. Youngbae shifts enough to tuck his face against one side of Jiyong’s neck and then lets his own eyes slide shut as he catalogues each breath Jiyong takes and adjusts how hard he’s pressing him into the cushions until he thinks he hears Jiyong’s breath steady. They lay like that a long time. His thighs shake and burn but he holds himself still and holds Jiyong down.

“Okay,” Jiyong says. “You’re heavy, get off.”

Youngbae throws himself off him, flopping down onto the ground with a groan as he reaches down to rub at one of his thighs. “Okay next time, we’re not doing that position.”

Jiyong’s eyes widen. “What do you mean next time?”

“Well, it helped didn’t it? Somehow,” Youngbae says. “If it helps you relax, I’ll pin you to the ground whenever you want Ji. I’ve known you too long for it to be weird.”

“You just….you’re just going to be okay with it, just like that?” Jiyong asks.

Youngbae nods. “I don’t see why not. You do a lot and you take on way more of the burden than any of the rest of us does when it comes to recording and making everything sound right. If you need help relaxing and you can’t come to me, who can you go to?”

Jiyong flushes and buries his face in the cushion. “You can’t…how are you just okay with this? How do you not think I’m weird?”

“Of course I think you’re weird,” Youngbae says, turning enough to squeeze the back of Jiyong’s neck again. “But this isn’t why. I’ve got you, Ji. Don’t worry.”

 

-.-

 

Hours of internet research later, Youngbae learns the terminology and words for what they’ve done and forces Jiyong to sit down and talk about it. Jiyong remains flustered at first, but in the end they’re able to talk through everything Jiyong likes about what they did and what he’s willing to try more of in the future. It’s not sexual.

“It can’t be,” Jiyong tells him. “I need it to help me relax and I can’t relax if I’m too worried about performing.”

It’s a loaded statement with lots to unpack, but Youngbae isn’t willing to tackle that particular monster. He’s not sure anyone will be able to, but he can do this at least.

Now that he knows he can have it, Jiyong comes to him often and most the time it’s easy. Pinning Jiyong to a bed or couch and functioning as a warm weight is all he needs usually, but sometimes it’s more than just being pressed flat and contained, sometimes he needs to be held down. He’ll fight Youngbae, wiggling beneath him, trying to get enough leverage to flip them. That’s when Youngbae puts his back into it, hands grinding bruises into slim wrists and knees digging in hard to the soft space between ribs and waist.

Jiyong fights and fights and Youngbae doesn’t move an inch. Sometimes he cries, jerking and twisting his arms as tears leak out of his eyes as though he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. Youngbae just grips harder until Jiyong gives in. His eyes flutter. His rough breathing steadies, slower and slower, before he heaves out a long sigh. That’s when he goes sweet.

His long fingers splay out limp. His body relaxes with each breath until he’s soft and pliant and nuzzling at Youngbae’s neck. Those are the times Youngbae twists their hands together and the whole interaction becomes a partnership instead of a battle that Jiyong feels he has to win. The close intimacy of those moments is worth the fight it takes to get Jiyong there.

There’s something beautiful, Youngbae thinks, in that submission. He’s known Jiyong most his life now, and it isn’t until their arrangement that he’s ever seen Jiyong submit to much of anything. He never submitted to his body’s desires to stop training. He never submitted to the creative control of their producers, always undermining and subverting their authority until he was trusted with the responsibility himself.

But somehow, he’s earned the right and responsibility to have Jiyong submit to him. It chokes him more than being an idol does. Jiyong is far more than a bandmate after all, and far more than a friend. Youngbae isn’t sure if such a thing as platonic soulmates exist, but if they do he has a feeling that’s what they are because Jiyong doesn’t trust anyone else the way he trusts him and Youngbae…well, it’s the same for him too.

Even if Jiyong relinquishes control in those moments though, he is still the leader and still believes he knows best, which is why Youngbae shouldn’t be surprised by what happens a month or so into their arrangement.

Daesung comes to him with a binder full of notes and diagrams of what he wants done.

“What…” Youngbae trails off as he flips through the notes on the studio’s couch.

Jiyong’s out for a smoke while Daesung takes a break from recording, and as he flips through the binder, Youngbae realizes why Jiyong had insisted he stay after his parts were done.

“Jiyong said maybe you’d be willing,” Daesung says, eyes down to the floor as he holds himself still beside Youngbae, not leaning into his space the way he’s often prone to do.

Youngbae swallows. The diagrams are…illustrative. Complicated knots and designs of rope twist their way around the models on the pages ranging from sensual to degrading to simple containment. “I’ve never done anything like this.”

“Oh…” Daesung’s hands twist together in his lap but he doesn’t move otherwise.

“I can…try though,” Youngbae says. “But this is a lot more complicated than what Ji and I are doing, you know that right?”

“I know, but I don’t need it,” Daesung says, finally turning to look at him. His expression, as always, is easy to read; apprehensive and hopeful all at once. “I just thought it was worth asking.”

“I’m glad you trusted me enough to ask,” Youngbae says, offering a smile. “Once you and Jiyong are done, we’ll get dinner and go to your place. We’ll talk this all through then, okay?”

Daesung’s smile lights up his whole face and any worry Youngbae had bleeds away. He’s got this.

 

-.-

 

The first few times aren’t really satisfying for either of them given that they’re still learning. Daesung seems more than content to function as his canvas to learn on and Youngbae finds it calming in his own way to work on learning how to tie knots across Daesung’s arms and chest in a way that’s functional and pleasing to look at. The rope Daesung has him practice with is a deep purple that shimmers in the dim lamplight of Daesung’s bedroom. It looks gorgeous against his skin.

The fifth time, it’s a proper scene. Youngbae walks Daesung through the same rules he learned with Jiyong before putting him on his knees on a pillow in front of the full-length mirror that hangs on his bedroom door. He strips Daesung of his shirt and then walks to the dresser where he’s laid out his rope. He has to keep it simple tonight. After all, it wouldn’t do for some mistake or hesitation to jerk them out of the head space he plans on bringing them both to.

When he kneels behind Daesung, his heart pounds. It’s a combination of nerves and anticipation as he draws Daesung’s arms back, steadying him with one hand before moving his arms so that he can grasp and elbow with each hand. The position forces Daesung’s chest to push out and he takes a moment to appreciate the sight in the mirror before beginning a Boola Boola knot to hold his arms together. He leaves that as it is for now and grabs the longer ropes for the chest piece he has in mind.

It’s meticulous work, even if all the ties and knots are simple. His fingers aren’t able to do them all with ease yet, but he works as efficiently as he can until he has a nice crisscross design across the front. When he finishes the final knot on Daesung’s shoulder, he gets to his feet and steps back, looking over his work with a critical eye. It’s mostly symmetrical across Daesung’s chest. He wishes he’d done something more intricate with his arms because they look plain in comparison to the front, but overall he’s pleased with the result. Then again, he’d be hard pressed to make Daesung look bad in anything.

What makes it all perfect is Daesung’s expression. The tension he carries so often in his jaw and brow is nowhere to be found and each steady inhale makes the ropes draw tighter across his well-muscled form. Youngbae steps closer and nudges Daesung’s chin with two fingers. Daesung’s eyes slide open but only enough to see him. Youngbae can’t help but smile at the blissed out and hazy look in Daesung’s eyes, a warm pride uncurling in his chest at the sight.

“Where are you at?” Youngbae asks.

“Good. Really good.”

Youngbae runs his hand through Daesung’s hair before retreating long enough to drag a chair that usually sits by the window over behind where Daesung kneels. He picks up a book Seunghyun insisted he read and climbs into the chair. Once he’s settled in with a leg on either side of Daesung’s broad body, he taps Daesung’s neck.

“I’m going to read one chapter today. You tell me if you need something,” he says.

Daesung nods and the room goes silent save for their soft, even breaths and the occasional page turn. Philosophy is…Youngbae’s not sure he gets the appeal. Seunghyun reads philosophy and art history books more than any other hobby and Youngbae had taken up to it in hopes of giving Seunghyun a conversation partner. Still, most of the material seems to go over his head. It’s slow going.

That makes it perfect reading for this.

When he finishes the chapter, Daesung is slack in the grip of the ropes. Youngbae shuts the book and reaches out to run his fingers along the back of Daesung’s neck. Daesung sighs, shoulders slumping down further. Youngbae slides out of the chair so he’s behind Daesung and begins to undo the knots. By the time he slips the last rope free, Daesung seems more awake. Youngbae squeezes his shoulders and then arms, soft touches across smooth skin to coax feeling and awareness back into his body.         

“How do you feel?” Youngbae asks.

“Mmm, fuzzy,” Daesung says, leaning back against his chest and nuzzling into his neck. “’S good…”

Youngbae can’t help but chuckle as he loops his arms over Daesung’s shoulders so his hands rest against his chest. “Perfect. That’s perfect.”

Youngbae leans back against the chair and let’s Daesung’s bigger body wrap around him, holding him close as he rides out the soft, calming buzz that being bound up seems to put him in. It’s nice for him too. There’s something relaxing about being wrapped up in another person without any expectations Youngbae rests his cheek on top of Daesung’s head and closes his eyes.

           

-.-

 

For a few months, that’s all it is. Jiyong and Daesung call when they need him, and sometimes Youngbae calls them. He hadn’t expected to benefit as much as they did. There’s something soothing about it though. Tying Daesung up with increasingly intricate designs requires a focus he finds satisfying when he gets to admire the finished product, and wrestling Jiyong in the evenings burns away the excess energy that makes sleep allude him. They settle into a rhythm and it works.

Until Seungri gets wind of it.

Like before, it’s Jiyong’s fault, although he lets it slip on accident when the four of them are drinking in the studio.

“He…does what?” Seunghyun asks.

Jiyong hiccups and covers his mouth with the back of his hand. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“He ties me up,” Daesung blurts out.

Youngbae groans and flops back on the ground, head landing on Seunghyun’s leg. Seunghyun raises and eyebrow and sips his beer.

“Well, I supposed dominance and submission doesn’t have to be sexual,” Seunghyun says, gaze staying on Youngbae.

“And why do  _you_ know so much about Mr. I-Don’t-Let-People-Touch-My-Skin?” Daesung asks with a good-natured laugh.

"I’ve frequented a few clubs, discreetly of course,” Seunghyun says.

“Of course you have,” Jiyong says with a roll of his eyes.

“For the record, my sexuality is undefined at this moment in time, but maybe we should just drop it and record already,” Youngbae says. He sits up, not willing to think about Seunghyun and discreet kink clubs without warning when he’s not completely wasted.

 

Daesung sighs. “I need another drink.”

 

-.-

 

For a while, that’s all it is. Jiyong and Daesung come to him when they need to be put down and forced to stop for just a moment. It’s not entirely one-sided. Sometimes after a particularly uncomfortable interview or frustrating practice, he goes home with Jiyong and Jiyong goads him on, fights and scratches and digs in with his bony knees in wherever he can until Youngbae taps their foreheads together. Jiyong gives in and lets Youngbae pin him wherever he wants then. It goes a long way in calming him down. After, Jiyong kisses his forehead and makes him snuggle before sending him on his way.

As nice as it is, something is still off. The three of them are closer than ever, but Seunghyun holds them all at a larger distance than ever before. Youngbae approaches Jiyong about it. No matter what else changes, Jiyong will always remain the leader after all. Jiyong just shrugs at Youngbae’s worry.

“He’ll come to us when he’s ready,” Jiyong says, folding one leg over the other as he leans back in the secluded booth they claimed in their favorite bar.

"Us?”

Jiyong rolls his eyes. “Just because you don’t dom us at the same time doesn’t mean this isn’t like…a thing.”

“Good point.” Youngbae frowns. “Pretty sure this isn’t in the bible.”

“If you’re going to have a gay freak out, don’t do it around Seunghyun,” Jiyong says, voice turning cold.

“That’s not…” Youngbae shakes his head. “My lifestyle isn’t acceptable by the Bible in any way as it was before this. It’s something I’ll have to repent for one day.”

“If your religion is telling you to repent for being happy and making others happy, maybe you’re practicing it wrong,” Jiyong says. He cuts himself off by swallowing down what remains of his beer. “Do you think we’re going to hell?”

“I…not if we repent,” Youngbae says.

“Do you believe that or are you just saying that because it’s what you were taught?” Jiyong asks, then winces. “Sorry. I’m being a dick.”

“A little bit, yeah,” Youngbae says. “It’s just…my religion will always be there for me in the end, but if I really had a problem with all this, I’d stop.”

Jiyong sighs. “I know. I Just don’t want you to wake up one day and realize you regret all of this.”

“That won’t happen,” Youngbae says, reaching across the table and taking Jiyong’s hands in his own. “No matter what, I’ll never regret this career, these friendships, and what we do beyond that.”

“I hope it stays that way. We’ll always have your back too, none of this is one way,” Jiyong says.

Youngbae smiles. “I know. Don’t worry.”

           

-.-

 

Seunghyun emails him a video along with contact information for a friend of his. It’s all very mysterious. He almost texts Seunghyun, but he figures he’ll just be met with silence until he watches the video. So, he plugs his headphones in, settles in on his bed, and opens the video file. He’s not sure what he’s expecting but…this isn’t it.

A man is tied to an X-shaped stand, bare from the waist up and another man stands to the side holding a flogger. Oddly, it’s not a porn video. It’s in English, and he only catches some of the explanation from the Dom, but the visuals are helpful enough and he gathers quickly that it’s about what areas are safe to hit and what ones to avoid. This is followed by a demonstration and a longer explanation of how to move the wrist with ample slow motion footage.

He watches it a second time and takes a few notes before finally pulling out his phone and texting the mysterious friend.

_Youngbae: Hello. Seunghyun gave me your number._

The response comes almost immediately.

_??: Seunghyun said you’d be in touch. We should meet._

Youngbae sighs. Leave it to Seunghyun to make it complicated.

 

-.-

 

The man he meets two nights later at a high end, exclusive BDSM club is apparently Seunghyun’s Dom who he’s been seeing for years. His name is Jihae and he spends the next few weeks teaching Youngbae the art of flogging with the help of one of his submissive partners, making Youngbae practice on the wall until he’s confident enough to trust him with another human being.

Jihae is a strict teacher and at first, Youngbae can’t really picture Seunghyun with him. It’s not until he breaks his submissive, a woman by the name of Jisoo, down with a few practiced hits at the end of a session that he can see it. Seunghyun is the most uptight of them all. Restraint is enough for Daesung, and Jiyong just needs someone to fight for a little while. Seungri needs someone to control him but Seunghyun just needs to break under someone’s care and have them be there at the end.

When he says this to Jihae after one of the sessions as they clean up the toys, Jihae goes still. Youngbae wonders, heart racing, if he’s said something wrong and completely fucked everything up, but then Jihae opens his bag and pulls out a smaller, velvet bag which he then hands to Youngbae.

“Present that to Seunghyun,” he says. “I have nothing left to teach you.”

Youngbae can feel the shape of the collar through the material and it only serves to make his heart beat faster. “Are you sure this is something you can decide?”

"Seunghyun gave me that power. He wants someone he can trust but he didn’t trust his own judgment. He left that to me,” Jihae says.

"I won’t misuse it,” Youngbae says.

 

-.-

 

He presents the collar to Seunghyun without any fuss when they’re at Seunghyun’s apartment after recording one night. Seunghyun freezes and then looks at Youngbae with wide eyes, a terrified and vulnerable look that breaks his heart both as Seunghyun’s friend and as his potential Dom.

“You don’t…you don’t have to accept,” Youngbae says.

“I just didn’t think you would want to,” Seunghyun says.

Youngbae frowns, setting the collar on the counter and then leaning against it. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I already have someone,” Seunghyun says. “I don’t need you like the others I just…would prefer you.”

“And I’m saying I accept,” Youngbae says. “Seunghyun, you are as important to me as everyone else. I understand what this means, you letting me have this power over you, you trusting me to take care of you.”

“Do you?” Seunghyun asks.

There’s so much fear in Seunghyun’s eyes, as though he somehow expected that Youngbae would go through all the training and decide he was too much work, that he wouldn’t _care_. He knows from Jihae that the dominance and submission isn’t sexual for Seunghyun. But he’s at a loss of how to express himself so he steps into Seunghyun’s space, cups the back of his neck and tugs him down enough to press a gentle kiss to his lips. It’s short. It’s not meant to be the prelude to anything after all. After, he keeps their foreheads pressed together and stares into Seunghyun’s eyes, trying to convey how much he cares with just a look because it’s all he can do.

“Yes, Seunghyun. I do. And I promise I will be worthy of it if you give it to me,” he says.

Seunghyun swallows and then sighs, shoulders slumping as his eyes slide shut. “Okay. I trust you.”

Youngbae’s chest warms and he smiles. “You won’t regret this.”


End file.
